The Most Dangerous Type of Covert Narcissist (Even Their Therapist Takes Their Side)

Watch Out for These Signs

Jan 29, 2025

I never thought I'd be telling this story.

Imagine discovering that the person sobbing in your therapist's office – the one everyone sees as fragile, vulnerable, and deeply traumatized – is actually orchestrating your complete psychological destruction. While you sit there, painted as the monster, they're smirking behind their tissue.

The Most Dangerous Type of Covert Narcissist

P.S. As some of you may know, I've been navigating a challenging health journey - Bell's palsy has affected me four times now. Despite these setbacks, I remain deeply committed to providing you with valuable insights about recognizing and dealing with narcissistic relationships in your lives. Your support through a paid newsletter subscription would mean so much during this time, allowing me to continue creating educational content and practical tools to help you on your healing journey. Each subscriber not only gains access to premium resources but also helps sustain this important work during my recovery. Thank you for being part of this community.

Fahim Chuhgtai

This isn't just another article about covert narcissists. This is about the most lethal sub-type I've encountered in my 5 years of helping abuse survivors: The Victim-Controller.

They don't just manipulate you – they reprogram reality itself.

Yesterday, I received a message that broke my heart:

"Fahim, I lost everything. My kids think I'm abusive. My friends won't talk to me. My own therapist suggested I might be the narcissist. And my partner? They're receiving support and sympathy from everyone... while I'm sitting alone in a hotel room, wondering if I'm actually crazy."

This is what the Victim-Controller does. And they're terrifyingly good at it.

In this exposé, you'll discover:

The sinister "empathy trap" they use to identify their targets (and why being a good person makes you more vulnerable)
Their three-phase destruction blueprint that turns your entire support system against you
The exact scripts they use to make therapists, lawyers, and even police see you as the abuser
Why trying to expose them usually backfires (and what to do instead)
The underground documentation method that saved one of my client's lives

Warning: If you're dealing with someone who cries during arguments, frequently references their past trauma, and somehow always ends up receiving support while you look like the bad guy – you need to read this. Now.

Let's rip off their mask.

The Victim-Controller’s Mask

Let’s start with what makes this type of covert narcissist so dangerous. Unlike grandiose narcissists who love the spotlight, or typical covert narcissists who just withdraw and sulk, the Victim-Controller is playing chess while others are playing checkers.

What makes them lethal? They don’t just manipulate you — they create an entire alternate reality where they’re the innocent victim and you’re the monster. Here’s how they do it:

First, they present themselves as deeply vulnerable. You’ll hear stories about their past trauma, their abusive ex, or how everyone has betrayed them. And here’s the twist — these stories might even be true. But they use this vulnerability like a weapon.

When you first meet them, they’ll say things like: ‘I’ve never felt safe enough to share this with anyone before…’ ‘You’re the only one who truly understands me…’ ‘I can finally be myself around you…’

But this perceived vulnerability serves three deadly purposes:

It makes you let your guard down completely
It gives them the perfect excuse for their future controlling behavior
And most dangerously, it establishes their role as a victim early on

Here’s where it gets more sinister. While they’re sharing their vulnerability with you, they’re also carefully building what I call their ‘sympathy army.’ They’re telling their sob stories to:

Your friends
Your family members
Your coworkers
Even your therapist

And they do this so gradually, so skillfully, that by the time you realize what’s happening, they’ve already created a support network that believes their version of reality.

But here’s what most people miss — the early red flags. Watch out for these subtle signs:

They tell detailed stories of past abuse, but somehow they’re never at fault in any situation
They use phrases like ‘I’m just too trusting’ or ‘I always attract toxic people’ frequently
They share deeply personal information very early in the relationship
They seem to have a rotating cast of friends who’ve all ‘betrayed’ them
And most importantly, they start subtly suggesting that your normal reactions are actually signs of abuse

Here’s the most dangerous part — every time you try to defend yourself or point out their behavior, they’ve already laid the groundwork to make you look exactly like the type of abuser they warned everyone about.

Remember this: The better you look to others, the more satisfying it is for them to eventually paint you as the abuser. They specifically target people with good reputations, strong support systems, and caring personalities. Why? Because bringing down someone ‘good’ proves their victim narrative even more powerfully.

Now Their Tactical Arsenal

Now that you understand their mask, let’s expose their most dangerous weapons — the tactics that make them truly devastating.

I call this their ‘invisible arsenal’ because these weapons leave no obvious marks, but the damage is profound. Let me break this down:

First, let’s talk about how they plant seeds of self-doubt. Unlike obvious gaslighting, they use what I call ‘concern gaslighting.’ It sounds like this:

‘I’m worried about your memory lately…’
‘I say this with love, but have you considered talking to someone about your anger?’
‘I’m just concerned because this isn’t like you…’

They even start documenting your ‘concerning behavior’ in their phones. Why? Because they’re building evidence while appearing caring. Brilliant but terrifying.

Next comes their masterpiece: emotional blackmail disguised as vulnerability. Watch for phrases like:

‘I can’t handle conflict because of my past trauma…’
‘When you raise your voice, it triggers my anxiety…’
‘I might need to take a break from us because this is affecting my mental health…’

See what they’re doing? They’re controlling your behavior while making you feel guilty for causing them pain.

But here’s where it gets really dangerous — their triangulation strategy. Unlike other narcissists who just badmouth you, they create elaborate webs of support through staged incidents:

They’ll have anxiety attacks in front of your friends
They’ll make tearful phone calls to your family members
They’ll seek advice from your mutual friends about your ‘concerning behavior’

And here’s their genius move: they provoke you privately while documenting everything. They’ll:

Send long, caring messages after causing a private fight
Record your emotional reactions without showing their provocation
Take pictures of themselves after making you break down
Save every text where you react to their abuse

But their most effective weapon? Their special brand of gaslighting. It’s different because it comes wrapped in apparent kindness and concern. They’ll say things like:

‘I’m telling you this because I care about you…’
‘Everyone’s worried about your behavior lately…’
‘Maybe we should both get help, even though I’m just trying to support you…’

Here’s the devastating part — they’ll provoke you until you react, then use your reaction as proof of their claims. They’ll push your buttons privately, then document your response publicly. And because they’ve already convinced everyone that they’re the vulnerable one, your legitimate reactions look like abuse.

Let me give you a real example: They’ll subtly insult you for hours in private, then when you finally raise your voice, they’ll start recording and say tearfully, ‘See? This is what I deal with. I’m so scared right now…’

And because they’ve already told everyone about their past trauma and your ‘concerning behavior,’ guess who everyone believes?

The Destruction Phase

Now we’re entering the darkest part — their endgame. This is where all their previous tactics come together in a devastating campaign to destroy your life while maintaining their innocent image.

Let me show you how they execute their final phase:

First, they launch their isolation campaign. But here’s what makes it brilliant and terrifying — you won’t even realize it’s happening. They use what I call the ‘concerned circles’ technique:

They’ll tell your friends: ‘I’m worried about them, they’ve been so angry lately…’
They’ll confide in your family: ‘I don’t know what to do anymore, they’re not the person I fell in love with…’
They’ll even contact your therapist: ‘I’m here because I’m concerned about their mental state…’

And remember all those ‘concern documents’ they’ve been collecting? Now they start using them strategically. They’ll:

Show their therapist recordings of your reactions (but not their provocations)
Share your frustrated text messages in group chats (but not their manipulative messages that caused them)
Post subtle hints on social media about ‘praying for strength’ or ‘dealing with difficult times’

But here’s their masterstroke — they make YOU look like the narcissist. They do this by:

Provoking you privately until you snap
Recording your response
Showing others while crying: ‘See? This is what I deal with behind closed doors…’

And why do traditional support systems fail to spot this abuse? Because this type of narcissist has already:

Built a reputation as the vulnerable one
Created a documented history of your ‘abuse’
Gathered a support network that validates their version of reality
Positioned themselves as the one seeking help and advice

Here’s what makes this phase truly destructive — they maintain their public image perfectly while systematically destroying yours. They’ll:

Continue being the perfect partner in public
Show extreme concern for your ‘mental health’ to others
Offer to help you get ‘treatment’ for your ‘issues’
Express sadness about your ‘decline’ to mutual friends

And here’s the cruel irony — the more you try to defend yourself, the more you prove their point. They’ve created a perfect trap where:

Your anger confirms their claims about your ‘abuse’
Your attempts to expose them look like manipulation
Your evidence appears as attempts to control them
Your truth sounds like lies

By the time you realize what’s happening, they’ve already:

Turned your support system against you
Created a documented history of your ‘abuse’
Positioned themselves as the concerned, loving partner
Made any attempt to expose them look like further abuse

What Protection Strategies You need?

Now, let me give you the exact strategies you need to protect yourself. This is crucial information, so grab a pen because these techniques could save your sanity and reputation.

First, let’s talk about documentation — but not just any documentation. You need what I call the ‘Triple-Layer Protection System’:

Layer 1 — Daily Digital Defense

Keep a time-stamped journal in your email by emailing yourself daily incidents
Save screenshots with visible dates and times
Record conversations where legal (check your local laws)
Back everything up to a secure cloud account they can’t access

Layer 2 — Physical Evidence Collection

Keep a handwritten journal with dates and exact quotes
Save any physical letters or cards showing their contradictory behavior
Maintain a record of witnesses to specific incidents
Document any financial transactions or changes in shared accounts

Layer 3 — Professional Documentation

Start seeing a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse
Get regular medical check-ups to document stress-related symptoms
Keep records of any work performance issues caused by the stress
Maintain correspondence with legal professionals if necessary

Now, here are the key phrases that will help you stay grounded in reality. I call these ‘Reality Anchors’:

When they say “You’re too sensitive,” respond internally with “My feelings are valid”
When they claim “That never happened,” remind yourself “I trust my memory”
When they push “You’re the abusive one,” remember “Defending myself isn’t abuse”
When they insist “Everyone agrees with me,” think “Others’ opinions don’t define my reality”

But here’s the most critical part — building a support system that actually understands this type of abuse. You need to:

Find at least one person who can be your ‘reality witness’
Connect with support groups specifically for covert narcissistic abuse
Build relationships with professionals who understand this type of manipulation
Create a safety network separate from your shared social circles

Now, about digital evidence — this is absolutely crucial. You need to:

Save everything, but store it securely
Create multiple backups of text messages, emails, and social media interactions
Document patterns, not just incidents
Keep a chronological timeline of events with supporting evidence

And finally, before you even think about confronting them, take these critical steps:

Secure all your important documents
Create a separate bank account they don’t know about
Build your evidence file with multiple copies in different locations
Have a safety plan ready, including a place to stay
Consult with a legal professional who understands narcissistic abuse

Remember this: The time to start protecting yourself is the moment you first suspect something’s wrong. Don’t wait for proof — by then, it might be too late.

The most important thing I want you to take away from this is: Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, even if you can’t explain why, start documenting immediately.

If this blog post resonated with you, and you’re starting to see these patterns in your relationship, I want you to know you’re not alone, and more importantly — you’re not crazy. We’ve created a detailed, research-based quiz that can help you identify if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.

Head over to narcissismexposed.com right now — Take this quiz. This isn’t just any quiz — it’s designed to catch the subtle signs that most people miss. It will help you understand exactly what type of manipulation you might be facing.

Narcissism Exposed

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